For immediate release
Statement of Jeff Zucker, President of CNN
CNN has learned that a former contributor Donna Brazile leaked several primary debate questions to Hillary Clinton. Although Brazile has left the network, it is now incumbent upon us to find the source of the leak. Who leaked those questions to Brazile?
After discussing this matter with Jake Tapeworm, we concluded that there was only one person qualified to investigate the leak – Mike Cernovich.
“Cernovich’s adversarial natural with the media,” Tapeworm told me, “makes him a perfect fit for the job. He will get to the bottom of this.”
Brian Stupor agreed, “Cernovich’s readership exceeds mine and Jake’s. Readers trust him, and we want those readers to trust CNN.”
Cernovich was initially reluctant to accept the position, “Your anchors can’t even be trusted to hold an honest debate,” he told me, “How can I trust them to tell me the truth?”
Cernovich agreed to accept the position after realizing it would “trigger a lot of cucks.”
CNN is America’s most trusted news network.