For immediate release
Statement of Jeff Zucker, President of CNN
CNN has learned that a former contributor Donna Brazile leaked several primary debate questions to Hillary Clinton. Although Brazile has left the network, it is now incumbent upon us to find the source of the leak. Who leaked those questions to Brazile?
After discussing this matter with Jake Tapeworm, we concluded that there was only one person qualified to investigate the leak – Mike Cernovich.
“Cernovich’s adversarial natural with the media,” Tapeworm told me, “makes him a perfect fit for the job. He will get to the bottom of this.”
Brian Stupor agreed, “Cernovich’s readership exceeds mine and Jake’s. Readers trust him, and we want those readers to trust CNN.”
Cernovich was initially reluctant to accept the position, “Your anchors can’t even be trusted to hold an honest debate,” he told me, “How can I trust them to tell me the truth?”
Cernovich agreed to accept the position after realizing it would “trigger a lot of cucks.”
CNN is America’s most trusted news network.
View Comments (23)
Brazile, Zucker and CNN - Stop persecuting me with all your lies! I'm a good Christian man so when you go low with your lies, like Michelle O., I will go high with my B.S.
I will bet that as soon as Donna gets done Journaling for Jesus every night, she jumps up on fire for the Lord, and starts Twerking for the Jesus.
Twerking for the Jesus.
Amen.
This lady couldn't be trusted with a box of crayons.
True. After 15 minutes, she'll be on e-bay offering an "original Picasso."
Mike, are you now going after The Onion? If this isn't satire, congrats.
CNN ! Cernovich News Network!!!! (am I being too elementary here?)
ABC ! All Behind Cernovich!!!
NBC ! Nobody But Cernovich!!
CBS ! Cernovich Broadcasting System!
Getting less excited as it becomes apparent that someone else tagged those for Clinton. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/088253613395b6ae00a314ebad215b1d5d400d9f9ea8ba1cd254262b36822084.gif
If only, like the Aussies, we had an MSMBS here...
Yeah, he's The Onion.
Cuck Triggering. The All-American Sport that's sweeping the nation!
Snowflake Cucks gonna be pretty triggered come NOV 8 !! woo hoo. they will need their diapers coz they is gonna wet their little panties on that date !
Oh my God. I thought you were serious. Ya damn troll lawyer.
It makes such good sense save when you remember that CNN and the other lamestream media networks have no interest in telling the truth if that should involve harming the interests of the Democratic Party.
Go get-em, Mike!
Jake Tapeworm? Had me going there for a minute....
Ask Crooked she will know.