Telling others to be non-judgmental is self-help garbage. Judgment keeps you alive. If you stopped judging situations, you’d have no street smarts. You’d get mugged, your family would be unsafe, and you’d be clueless about the world.
Anyone who tells you to stop judging others is trying to get your defenses down to cheat and exploit you. “Don’t judge me….so I can take advantage of you.” It’s also common to hear people living a YOLO, irresponsible lifestyle to say, “Don’t judge me!”
Engage the judge.
Judging ourselves and the world is how we survive.
I know you are judgmental people. I have objective proof.
Kindle allows you to search for popular highlights in a book. Using this tool is a great way to figure out what a book is about, or in the case of Gorilla Mindset, it lets me know what you want more of. It also shows that you’re a lot like me. We tend to have the same challenges in life.
Most of us are wrapped in our heads and highly self-critical/judgmental.
Say what you will about (flawed) the Myers Briggs test, but most of us fall on the “J” spectrum. We are constantly judging the world and ourselves. This is a blessing as we have insights into the worlds that others cannot comprehend. It’s a curse as we turn this judge inward, constantly nit-picking and tearing ourselves apart.
We are also “T” types, and thus spend far too much time in our heads/minds and often lose track of our bodies.
- Many of you stumble and bump into things.
- You were not naturally athletic.
- In the gym you must really focus before doing a set or else you won’t feel anything.
Those are natural traits of thinking types. Even though I’m a bigger guy, it’s easy to push me around if I’m out walking around and not mindful of my body. I tend to float about and not dig my heels in.
Because we live inside of our heads, we are constantly judging and often attacking ourselves.
We judge ourselves too harshly, as in ways that impede progress.
The most highlighted passage in Gorilla Mindset comes from the self-talk chapter, “Treat yourself like a treasured and trusted friend.”
You treat yourself worse than you treat anyone else, don’t you?
You know that treating others like you treat yourself would mean you’d have no friends, no customers, and no life.
Yet we continue to beat ourselves every day.
Why do we beat ourselves up?
We are judgmental.
We judge everyone and everything.
Since we spend more time with ourselves than with anyone else, we judge ourselves the most frequently and most harshly.
When we judge ourselves, we make assessments. We attack ourselves.
- You are too fat/not muscular/fit enough.
- You don’t have enough money.
- You are such a pussy when it comes to achieving your goals.
- You don’t work hard enough.
- Other people were far more successful than you are at this age.
The more introverted you are, the more frequent and vicious the statements!
These judgments aren’t going anywhere. We are not going to stop judging ourselves. But we can address these judgments in a positive way.
Turn every judgement into a question.
Instead of attacking yourself for a mistake, ask yourself how you can avoid mistakes. When the judgmental statements start flowing, redirect them into questions.
- “I am not good enough,” becomes, “How can I become better?”
- “I don’t make enough money,” becomes, “What are 10 ways I can make more money?”
- “My romantic life is a mess,” becomes, “Who can I improve my personal or romantic relationship with today?”
Engaging your thinking archetype to create a program to bring you closer to your goal.
After all, we all feel inadequate. There is not a day in my life where I don’t look at myself and the mirror and think, “You’re a piece of shit,” and it’s usually for some stupid reason having no impact on my life.
I’m hard on myself, and that’s largely why my life is as good as it is. Yet many of my judgments are inaccurate.
Where did you get your judgments from?
I used to play the game hard. I’d flake on girls, cheat on them, make them jealous for sport by letting them see texts other girls had sent me. People would say I did not treat women as they deserved to be treated.
Once I felt a little guilty and reverted to my nice-guy ways. I got run over.
The truth is that American men must play the game hard. You don’t approach a woman by saying, “You look like a nice person. I’d like to get to know you better. Would you like to meet for coffee? My treat.”
You don’t text a girl after a day to tell her you had a nice time and would like to see her again.
Even a handsome man such as myself would get laughed at. Girls think a direct, decent, humane approach is creepy.
My judgments (which lead to guilt) were inaccurate. My view of the world was the true view of the world. The judgments had been put inside my head by idiots.
Whose standards (judgments) have you failed to meet?
Maybe you aren’t rich enough or [insert what you’re not enough of]. Maybe you need to man up and marry a good American girl your own age or else you’re a man-child.
Or maybe you are living by someone else’s standards.
I own less than $5,000 of material possessions, and that includes laptops and cameras I use for my business. I don’t own a home, Rolex, car, or custom-fitted suit.
Yet I travel wherever I want and do whatever I want.
Am I rich or successful enough? Many would say no, and that’s OK.
By fitness standards anyone without abs is fat. Where do those standards come from? The health and fitness community is driven by supplement company owners, gay men, and teenage boys. Supplement companies create unrealistic image standards (attainable only through steroids) to sell people fat burners and testosterone boosters.
Yet you see ostensible straight men agonize over not body-image standards that only matter to gay men and teenage boys. Why would you let their judgments drive your behavior?
Perhaps my body is not hot enough for gay men and teenage boys…But women sure have never had a problem with it.
Everyone is trying to hold you to their standards.
My books are self-published. Gorilla Mindset has sold more than 99% of authors who go through Simon & Schuster will ever sell.
Yet you’ll hear status-obsessed people snip, “Anyone can publish a book on Amazon.”
By their standards, I’m not a success. To be a success in publishing, you must convince an SJW girl with an English degree that you’re a good boy who can kiss ass.
Why would I judge myself by the standards of debased, status-obsessed people?
Why should you?
Remember, “Status is slavery.”
Rather than try being non-judgmental (which is impossible and foolish), turn your judgments into questions.
Most of our judgments are based on what society expects of us. “I am not enough!” Well, why not? By whose standards are you inadequate?
If you are not satisfied with where your life is, accept that judgment.
“I am not…..”
From there, ask yourself how you can get where you want to be.
Less stopping, more starting.
Oftentimes we will say, “I need to stop being [lazy, unmotivated, critical, mean, angry, etc.]” When we say we want to stop doing something, we have made a judgment that the behavior is bad or undesirable.
It it much harder to stop being something than to start being something else.
How do you stop being lazy? If you’re on the couch, you’re in a state of rest/laziness. Objects at rest stay at rest.
Rather than try to convince yourself to stop being lazy, get off the couch. Go talk a walk. Do something. That is how you stop being lazy. Start by doing something else.
How can you stop being angry? Objects in motion stay in motion, and anger is motion. Angry people “get in your face” (forward movement).
Anger is most destructive when directed at others. Rather than stop being angry, start being angry somewhere else.
Don’t send an email when you’re angry. Don’t talk to a person when you’re angry. Don’t yell at your wife or kids when angry.
Go be angry all by yourself. You’ll work yourself out of the state of anger without damaging your life.
Judgment and the 80/20 Rule.
Judgments often prevent you from keeping action, as you view what you are doing as never being good enough. These impossibly high standards (which, again, you did not make up!) cause procrastination.
To address the judgement, begin looking for 80/20 moves in your life.
The Pareto principle (also known as the 80–20 rule, the law of the vital few, and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes
My friend wanted to spend six months editing his writing. Six months!
When he sent me this article, “How Therapy Made me a Better Man,” I published it immediately. He was freaking out as he thought we’d spend hours going over every line.
Yet the post received a high amount of page views, a lot of comments, and was well-received. You liked it and he liked the reception it received.
Could we have fiddled with the damn thing for another 20 hours. Sure. How much better of a result would he have achieved? (Not much.)
Most articles appearing at Danger & Play take me three or four hours to write.
Could I spend 20 more hours editing each post to make it “perfect.”
Sure, although that begs the question: What is perfect? Maybe a perfect post has no typos or contains elegance in every sentence. Those are acceptable standards to hold yourself to, but those are not mine.
What good would that do?
You must always ask yourself what your desired outcome from a decision is.
My goals are to educate, inform, and inspire you to take action to improve your life.
My goal is also to earn a living. Writing is my career. It’s how I pay my bills and self-fund news gathering. (Photo album: The Truth about Refugees in Hungary.)
When a mindset article appears I sell an extra 50 copies of Gorilla Mindset.
Writing a sold (if imperfect article) moves the needle in your life because you’re able to take action immediately, and a solid article moves the needle in my book sales. It’s an 80/20 move.
In the 20 hours I could spend editing an article (to sell maybe an extra 10 or 20 books), I could write five other articles (selling 250 more books). Gorilla Mindset can realistically hit 20,000 books sold in its first year, but only if I’m smart about my moves.
The 80/20 Rule is no excuse to be sloppy.
Oftentimes people will interpret my advice as mean, “Who cares if it’s good? Just do anything!”
You must actually have some reasoning for your decisions. It takes trial and error to discover for yourself what is an 80/20 move.
Remember that you’re going to get 80% of your results from 20% of your actions. What moves the needle in your life?
Unfortunately I do not have any short cuts or life hacks for you. You have to try, try, and try again to find our for yourself how to get the most out of life.
Once you do, use your judgmental nature to ask yourself, “Should I spend 80% more time to squeeze out another 20% of a result, or should I spend that time finding other 80% moves?”
Judgement keeps you alive.
Judging yourself is necessary. To avoid letting these judgments hijack your brain or lead you to feel bad about yourself, remember these two steps:
Step 1. Ask where you got your judgments from. Who put those standards in your mind? Do you agree to abide by those standards? Be conscious.
Step 2. Turn your judgments into questions. Ask yourself how you can begin to meet those standards.
(Step 3 is and always will be: Take action!)
You can learn more in Gorilla Mindset