“I’m the guy who was the lowest of losers – the guy you’d scrape from the bottom of your shoe and never give a second thought.”
Our latest reader success story comes from a man who doesn’t believe he is entitled to call himself a success yet. Fair enough.
He has become more than he was and he will become more than he is.
Here is his story:
I’m one of those idiots that believed in the lie of the snowflake. “You’re special. Be yourself. You can accomplish anything, because you’re smart. You can be whatever you want to be. And be nice to other people. Don’t hurt their feelings, because they’re just as special in their own way. Everyone deserves to get what they want.” All the nonsense mommies spout to their kids, the propaganda of complacency – like so many other guys, I bought it. I had blind faith in bullshit, because it was served up for three squares a day.
The snowflake delusion is persistent. I tried to think critically about the world around me, and there were all sorts of clues that maybe shit wasn’t the way The Authority said it was. In my late high school career as a shy nobody, I almost woke up. I started thinking about why I was supposed to go to college, when there was no clear reason for me to do so – but I went anyway. Mommy and Daddy said it was important. The school counselor said it was important. My peers were doing it, for the most part. It was Expected Of Me.
A few years later, when the sheer insanity of what I was doing – getting myself further into debt without studying anything in particular, and without any sort of ambition to find a Career Ordained By Heaven As The Entire Purpose Of My Existence And Key To Eternal Happiness – really started to sink in, I bailed on college. I was working in retail at the time, so I just started doing that full-time. It wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life, but hey, I didn’t know what I did want to do with my life so that wasn’t a big deal. I could be whatever I wanted to be, anyway. I’d figure out what that was eventually, and then it would magically start to unfold. Man. I was a moron.
Of course, this snowflake delusion wasn’t the only bullshit banging around in my skull.
I had a “naturally high metabolism” which meant I could eat whatever the fuck I wanted and never get fat. Except I got fat. Fuck, I was so stupid I didn’t even know I was fat until I overheard a coworker describe me to someone. “The short, chubby guy.” That night I looked at myself in the mirror, and I started to really see myself. Holy shit, this is what I look like? My eyes started to open.
On top of that, I was a virgin. I’d somehow bumbled into having a girlfriend when I was 19 – she was 15 at the time, so it was really just a matter of comparative SMV – but we’d never done anything beyond hand stuff. She broke up with me after less than a year, because she saw me for the pathetic, deluded loser I was. I “swore off women,” which was the only way to bury my insane fear of ever being rejected again. And my crippling fear of women and rejection spoke, and said, “Let there be seven years of porn.” And it was so.
And in a flash, I was 25 years old. Clinically obese, making a pitiful hourly wage in retail, and a virgin.
I was struggling with severe insomnia, high levels of misanthropy, and the idea was beginning to form in my mind that maybe I was just one of those guys that shoots up the local YMCA. I was Fucked. In. The. Head. I didn’t realize it at the time, but all my pain was self-inflicted. My wake up call was an unattainable girl.
I met her, and I was hers. She was the incarnation of light and purity, and I worshipped her down to her toenails. Of course in reality she wasn’t very bright, she was kind of a slutbag, and she had about thirty different guys wrapped around her little finger. But I wasn’t awake yet, and all I knew is that I wanted her. So after months of fruitless orbiting, I discovered the online community of PUA. And the primal beast inside me started to wake up.
I pored over whatever PUA material I could find. I read the scripted stuff, methods of improving technique, different theories of kino escalation – but what really interested me was the philosophy behind the behavioral training. Not what to do, but why to do it. The subconscious drives, biological mechanisms, the cultural variances – it all formed an intricate pattern that was the key to knowing how people tick. As I delved deeper into the philosophical side of PUA, I was inevitably led to the world of The Red Pill. And there I stayed for a good long while.
Meanwhile, the real world consequences of my mental journey were beginning to manifest.
I realized my precious little incarnation of light didn’t belong on that pedestal, so I knocked it over. Then I seduced and fucked her friend, and it was so easy. In that one night, as my inner beast awoke and stretched its lethargic muscles, I realized I was not a sad, fat little boy. I was not a doomed product of an apathetic society. I was not the guy who snaps and shoots up a YMCA. I am a lion on the plains; I am a wolf running with the pack; I am the master of my fate, and I am the captain of my soul (to steal a bit from one of my favorite poems). And apparently I was a god in bed, because while I was thinking exultant thoughts about my newfound masculinity, the girl I had my cock inside was shrieking her way from orgasm to orgasm. Who knew sex was this easy?
I grew more confident socially. I told my boss I deserved a promotion, and he promoted me. I started meeting new male friends, and hanging out with them. I sold my gaming console, moved out of my parents’ basement – I guess I forgot to mention that, but yes, I was a stereotype of a stereotype – and moved into an apartment with a couple of guys from work. I got drunk for the first time; smoked pot for the first time; I lived for the first time. I started researching nutrition and eating the right foods. I joined a gym. I joined a dojo. I sought out a more active lifestyle.
Of course, I was still terribly naïve and untrained. There’s a difference between realizing the truth and putting it into practice.
That girl’s friend I fucked? When she went back home (she was from out of town) we tried a LDR. She dumped me after a couple of months. I made other mistakes too, floundering around while finding my feet. My eating habits and exercise routine would lapse and I’d have to start over. I still had a lot of progress to make, and it’s taken me years to get to where I am now – and I’m not even halfway to my goal. I’ve dropped 40lbs of fat, but I’ve got more to lose. I lift weights at a bodybuilding gym, but I can lift more weight more frequently than I do. I haven’t studied another fighting style like I want to, I’m not making a significantly higher salary than I was last year, and I’m not learning new skills in home construction and automotive repair as quickly as I could. I have many, many improvements left to make. But I’m still moving forward. I’ll never stand still again.
I’m the guy who was the lowest of losers – the guy you’d scrape from the bottom of your shoe and never give a second thought. I’m the guy who was a deluded mess, who found a way to wake the fuck up and start living life according to the nature of primal masculinity. I’m the guy that knows I’m not finished yet.
As for why I read your stuff; you help me stay honest with myself. Am I doing all I can? Am I being all I can be? Danger & Play is the top resource I’ve found to keep me actively exercising my inner beast. Your writing challenges me, makes me uncomfortable, makes me want to do more and do it faster. That’s why I keep reading.
That was an amazing story. Thank you for sending it. You are the reason I write Danger & Play.
This man is an inspiration to all of us. What one man has done, so too can another.