As you’ll recall, Charisma is based on connection. We need to create deep and lasting connections with people if we want to be charismatic.
How do you connect with people on a deep level?
We talked about two keys to charisma: “There is no other place I’d rather be. There is no one else I want to see.”
By reminding ourselves that there is no other place we’d rather be and no one else w’d rather see, we get into the moment and truly connect with other people.
Let’s go deeper.
Three Phrases that Create Deep Connections
Before we drop these three phrases, let’s think about how the normal conversation goes.
Your wife just left you. She took your kids. She cheated on you. You start telling someone your story when they jump in with, “I got divorced, too! Let me tell my story.”
If you’re like most people, you learn that engaging in a conversation requires you to use a lot of effort to “jump in” and fight off the people who are “jumping in.”
Or you realized it’s just not worth it.
One reason people see therapists is because the only way to get people to listen to you is to pay them.
As a lawyer, I can tell you that 90% of what clients want to talk about has nothing to do with the legal issues presented in the case. They have a deep human need to be heard – to connect – that isn’t being met elsewhere.
People are such awful conversationalists that they’ll interrupt you when you’re answering a question they asked.
One girl I dated asked me why I never opened up. I told her, “You’ll ask me a question, I’ll start answering it, and then you immediately start blabbing on. So what’s the point? If you want to talk, just talk. Don’t pretend like you care what I have to say, though.”
They say that people only care about themselves. That is not true. When people know you care about them, they will start caring about you, too.
Here are the three phrases:
- That must’ve been [hard, horrifying, difficult to deal with].
- You must’ve felt [powerless, outraged, etc.].
- Tell me more.
You’re not judging the person. You are showing the person that you understand. That you are connecting. That you’re listening.
Most people do not listen. They wait for their turn to talk.
You can use these tactics for self-talk and reframing as well, but that’s a conversation for another day.
Books mentioned in the podcast:
Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston M.D. (Amazon)
How to Argue & Win Every Time: At Home, At Work, In Court, Everywhere, Everyday by Gerry Spence (Amazon)