I had attained objective measures of success long before I took dating self-development seriously. I wasn’t sexless, and would stumble into/luck into sex with attractive-enough women. I had a strong social network, friends, and a great career. I was well liked and respected by my peers.
I was an alpha male when it came to my interactions with men, networking with other professionals, and just getting ahead in life in general.
Although I was a charismatic guy, my success with women wasn’t what it should have been. It never occurred to me why until last year.
I was an Alpha-Beta.
What is an Alpha-Beta?
An alpha-beta is a man who is successful in life (what society would generally consider an “alpha male”) but who’s success with women isn’t what it should be.
- An Alpha-Beta dates attractive women, but not super hot women or women who are way out of his league. No one thinks, “What is she doing with him!?”
- An Alpha-Beta generally has sex with the women who are “lay ups” or who fall onto his lap.
- An Alpha-Beta does not actively seek out the hottest women. He knows that good-enough women will come his way.
- An Alpha-Beta gets cheated on.
I came up with the Alpha-Beta male archetype in an unexpected place.
Learn the relationship between your moods/state and body language.
During a Tony Robbins seminar (Unleash the Power Within Review), you are forced to perform various exercises that put you in touch with your physiology. For example, imagine you are furious at the person in front of you. Get really angry and upset. Imagine that he stole your money, robbed you, insulted your mom, or banged your wife.
Now feel your body. Look at your body language. Look at the body language of the person in front of you (who is mirroring what you’re doing). Do you see the relationship between how you feel and your body language?
You learn what your body feels like when it’s in the state of anger. Then you start learning how to to flip the switch, to reverse the process. You learn how to get into state by changing your physiology.
You don’t wait to feel happy. You think, “Here’s how a happy person stands. Here’s how a happy person moves. Here’s what a happy person’s face looks like. I am going to take on all of those physical characteristics to trick my body into feeling happy.”
Boom. Change your state, change your life.
The rapport building exercise.
1. Imagine that the person in front of you can change your life. You get 90 seconds to connect with this person. If the interaction with this person goes well, she or he will alter your life forever. How the person will change your life doesn’t matter. It could be that he’ll give you a huge business opportunity or maybe he’ll save your life. It doesn’t matter. Just imagine that the person will change your life in some way.
2. Now go talk to that person. Connect with that person.
3. After 90 seconds, stop and debrief with your partner. Ask the person to describe how your body looked. What was your body language like?
4. Now switch places with your partner. What did your partner look like? What was his body language like?
If you performed the exercise well, then the interaction went your way. You won the game. You were, in other words, an alpha male.
Can your take those alpha male skills onto the dating scene?
How building rapport is different from meeting women.
I started laughing after finishing the exercise. My partner asked what was wrong. “Nothing, man, it’s not you. I just thought of something random.”
My game was super tight at the time. That’s why it hit me, “This is exactly what you would not do if you were on a date!”
Connecting with other people is about making sure they “feel the love.” No one likes a boot licker but you throw some complements a person’s way. You pay attention. You lean into the person. You express some damned interest.
With women, showing too much interest is a failure.
Imagine you go on a date with a girl. During the date you lean into her, you listen to what she has to say, you show that you’ve paid attention to what she said by asking follow-up questions later on in the conversation. You pick up the check. After she leaves you text her, “It was cool getting to know you. I hope we get a chance to connect with you soon.”
We all know what will happen, don’t we? That’s why you found Danger & Play.
The girl is talking about you the next day. She tells her friend, “I don’t know. He seemed like a nice guy. I just didn’t feel…that spark.”
On the date you did everything right – if you actually wanted to connect with a human being in a business setting. You did everything wrong if you wanted to date a woman. They are two separate skills.
You need to play it a bit more cool with women to not appear needy.
About the worst thing you can do is send a girl a text saying, “It was great meeting you. Let’s meet up again.” You should instead leave her wondering if you enjoyed meeting her.
You need to create scarcity to create interest.
After all, if you’re a man with options, why are you texting her non-stop?
But if you met a cool guy you want to be friends with or a future business contact, expressing interest is the best thing you can do. (Unless you come off really needy, no guy is going to be bothered by your show of interest. If you do tend to bother people, you may have Asperger’s and should seek out someone who develops life skills plans for people like that.)
Avoid the pitfalls of the Alpha-Beta.
Dating and meeting women require entirely different sets of life skills. The skills you learn that made you successful in business or in life may actually harm you when you use those skills to meet women.
Likewise, successful men will be put off if you use the same tactics that work in dating and apply them to your personal life. “Icing” a male friend or business colleague, for example, is a horrible tactic.
Read next: Unleash the Power Within Review.