That’s When I Knew They Were Crazy

I used to have the worst “date game” of any guy you’d meet. You see, I’d approach a woman, talk to her for a while, get her phone number, and then go out on dates. I’d then never hear from her again.

What went wrong? How could I be such a failure? It didn’t make much sense to me until one chance conversation changed everything.

“Line up on the right hand side, next to the wall,” the ticket guy at a local concert exclaimed. I felt the staff was being a bit oppressive and said, “Man, this reminds me of the time I was in jail!”

Two girls looked back and smiled. I had never seen a girl’s eyes light up so brightly. “Oooooh, you’ve been in jail,” the blonde one asked.

Once we got inside, I hit the two friends up. I told them that I had been in jail and they had never been so impressed. The brunette squeezed my arm, signaling to the blonde that she had chosen me.

I talked to the brunette for a while. She wasn’t some trailer trash girl who had been raped by an uncle and thus bore an attraction for bad boys. She was well-travelled, had a six-figure job, and her brother worked for a national law firm. She was, as far as chicks go, just a “regular,” “normal” and “cool” girl.

Yet the only reason we hooked up that night was because I had been to jail.

Can I talk to you about jail for a second?

Going to jail is not fucking cool at all. If you’re arrested while driving, your car will be impounded. When you get out, you’re going to have to track down your car and pay close to a grand (in cash; those impound lots don’t take checks or credit cards). I was arrested while at work. That is every bit as awkward as you’d think.

You walk into a holding cell with a bunch of filthy meth heads and scum bags. If you’re lucky, the jailers hand you a brown paper bag containing a sandwich – two slices of white bread with a piece of proceeded “meat” in between.

You’re stripped searched. You’ll bend over and spread your ass cheeks while another man looks inside to see if you’re smuggling drugs or cell phones in your anal cavity.

You’ll share a cell with another man. This means listening to him breath, snore, and take a shit in the middle of the night.

My cell mate was an obese trucker who had been arrested for (I assume) sex with a child. Fyodor Dostoevsky was right: Men have a need to confess. “I really fucked up this time,” he said as a way of opening a conversation with me. I put on my Russian serial killer face and looked right through him.

(I had requested solitary confinement, as going insane alone in “the hole” would be far preferable to listening to a child molester put “Hersey squirts” into the toilet.)

If the charges are serious, you’ll need to raise substantial cash to get bailed out. If you’re younger, this means a call to dad and mom or grandma and grandpa. You’re making collect calls to various people to get someone to get your grandparents to Western Union them cash. Now those who love you the most are sick with worry.

So, like I said, there is nothing cool about being in jail.

Yet being in jail changed my game forever.

On dates I no longer asked girls what they were interested in. I didn’t talk about my hobbies or the latest book I had read. I didn’t talk about my life story – which is actually pretty interesting.

On dates, I didn’t seek intimacy or try creating a connection by seeing if we had shared interests or values.

I just stayed in shaped, dressed sharply, nodded my head, smiled occasionally and talked about – nothing, stupidity, and bullshit.

Suddenly I was able to go from never seeing a girl after a date to often banging her the same night.

And that’s how I know women are crazy.

How to Develop the Game of an Alpha Male.

  • Christopher Franco

    Fuck, that was a good post. Too many bloggers don’t have the life experience to be worth listening to. Major props D&P

  • Aurini

    One other benefit of prison; as horrible as it is, once you’ve been there you realize that you can survive anything. After the army, prison was my last remaining fear. Now? Nothing.

    • David H. Fucktrelle-Male Feminist Extraordinaire™

      oh, did you get laid?

      was he as hawt as Hugo Schwyzer?

  • Jason

    Real truth!

  • Voltage

    I’ve noticed that. It’s better to be interesting with women, than good, because good is boring. Why do you think jail game works?

  • Al Terego

    Your worst day “on the outside” is better than your best day in jail. And any day I can actually pick what I want to wear and shit on a real toilet (not made of cold metal) is fabulous.

  • willi

    You forgot to add one point.
    Sitting in jail is fucking boring.

  • Aries

    Umm okay, I’ve been to jail too.

    But I don’t wear that fact on my chest..

    How should I ‘broadcast’ it on a regular night out, though? Please explain.

    (It’s more about bad-boy behaviour if you ask me, but please elaborate)

    • Aries

      So I should use – ‘nothing, stupidity and bullshit’ to attract women?

      This article does not tie up well.

      • Danger & Play

        It wasn’t an eHow article.

      • anon1

        sometimes articles are for exposition of the author’s viewpoints and back story rather than having to always be actionable intel.

        if you want to attract women, get fit and go read ‘bang’

  • Vincent Ignatius

    I’ve had similar experiences.
    Girls always light up when I tell them I’ve spent a night in jail.

    For men who haven’t been in jail, it should be easy to make up a story about going to jail.
    e.g. Yeah, I was acting like a fool in Tijuana and some Mexican cops caught us with weed. They took us to jail and we weren’t sure how long we’d have to stay until I figured out I could just offer to bribe the guys. I know decent Spanish so I talked to one of the guards and told them that if he gave me back my wallet and drove me out to an ATM, I could pay the “fine” immediately. Problem solved. In Mexico, always offer a bribe.

  • N R

    Have to agree with one of the commentators above: the article isn’t threaded well. What’s the take home lesson? Signal to chicks one has served time in prison? Act with convict cool when on dates? Both?

  • David Alexander

    D + P regarding the Australian tweet.

    When labelling something to someone, it is important to investigate their thought process.

    A man who smacks their women around because he’s scared of her, is a cowadr.

    A man who physically retalites can be seen as impulsive and hot headed like Sonny in Grandfather.

    A man who chokes and spanks his girl in bed is completely acceptable because its intention is to make sex hotter.

    A man who beats his wife to correct her (like muslims do) does it out of parentalesque love.

    It is completely natural for an agitated organism to attack someone weaker than them if they strike the first blow. Completely natural.

    Coward is someone who submits to fear. Like a soldier who gives in to torture. Or a person too chickenshit to uphold a sense of honor
    And it’s happens to be one of the most venomous and misused words also. Just like creep. Just like arrogant. Just like misogynist. Just like douchebag.

    Women are infamous for having sharp tongued venomous mouths which have very little basis in truth and a whole lot of basis in SHAMING to control or curb behavior.

    This is getting ridiculous. The law is removing all accountability from one side and now it’s becoming a jungle fest. and resulting in lots of dental bills.

  • Ethelred

    Why is a soldier who submits to torture a coward? Why not cut them some slack? I need to go read more about the Bataan Death March to get some context around this.

  • Dirt Man

    I can just imagine her telling her friends she hooked up with a guy who’d been in jail. I can further imagine her playing it up, like you are an ex con who did hard time. wtf is wrong with girls.

  • Lily

    Lol that was fantastic!

  • Steve

    “They had the worst ketchup in prison… I was the warden?” -Hudson Hawk