“I don’t like this,” I said after almost dying.

About two hours earlier, I had found myself in a room with a bunch of people wearing colored clothing clothing who talked a bunch of mystical bullshit. They compared 5-MeO-DMT to dimethyltryptamine – DMT, or the spirit molecule.

I’m a man of science with little patience for people who treat drugs as anything other than chemical substances that cause the body to undergo various physiological changes. If I inject testosterone into my deltoid, I’m not going to reach out and touch the Masculine forms of Plato and Michelangelo.

So if I smoke some 5-MeO-DMT, don’t fucking tell me that I’m about to “communicate with the divine,” or that I’m going to undergo “ego death.” Just let me take my drug in peace in quiet.

I thus went into the drug without any expectations. If anything, my expectations were premised on scorn. “These movement idiots are all the same. They need to make something seem larger than it is, as a way to give meaning to their own small lives.”

The smoke was harsh and metallic. It tasted like a lick from a Duracell 9 volt battery. Just as I was about to cough, I was gone.

Unlike with DMT, a person using 5-MeO-DMT isn’t supposed to see fractals. People on DMT come back with reports of conversations with aliens and gods. People who come from from 5-MeO-DMT come back with reports of…not much of anything.

When you fully commit to a 5-MeO-DMT trip, your ego dies. There is no “you” to observe and remember. There is no “you” to tell your story.

Your ego – another way to describe consciousness – is the self-knowledge that comes from knowing that you exist separate and apart from your material world. “I think therefore I am” is the ego. 5-MeO-DMT kills the “I.”

It’d be wrong to say I fell backwards. My body may have collapsed, but that was complete uninteresting.

My “soul” began moving at speeds that I cannot comprehend. It felt like my soul was moving through outer space.

As my soul ripped through the air, angelic-looking wings overtook my field of vision.

“I am dying.”

“No, I don’t want to die,” I kept repeating to myself. “I am not going to die.”

I was able to open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. The ceiling tiles started coming into focus, but I was still on my back, helpless.

I looked left and right. I knew I was in a room. But I did not feel present in my body.

I kept fighting to come back. I remembered a trick from lucid dreaming. If you want to take control of your dream, ground yourself by looking at your hands. Looking at your hands puts your consciousness in touch with its embodiment.

I kept staring at my arms until they seemed real, until I seemed real.

Finally able to sit up, I looked at my legs. My legs had not returned to me, or I to them.

What does it mean to say that your legs exist in two dimensions rather than three? What does it mean to say that your legs are as connected to the floor as they are to your body?

Finally able to reclaim my body, I ate a piece of fruit. No, that’s a lie.

When you put a piece of pineapple in your mouth, your senses process data. Your tongue feels the weight of the pineapple resting on it. Your tongue tastes the tartness. Your teeth press into the fibrous shell containing citrus-flavored water.

When I bit into the pineapple, the pineapple ate me as I much as I ate it. The pineapple and I merged into one.

Mumbo jumbo? Maybe. Or maybe some experiences truly do go beyond language as we understand it.

Although present in my body, my ego was still dead. I felt a deep sense of love for the people I sneered at only moments ago. “I wonder if any of these people need help? I wonder if there is anything I can do for them?”

After coming to my senses an hour or so later, I was again fulled with hate. I was a wolf. But that day has stayed with me for years.

When we no longer view ourselves as separate egos – when we destroy the distinction Us and Them – we open ourselves up to an infinite source of compassion and love.

The ego, a mystic will tell you, exists to protect ourselves from the pain that comes from loving others. The ego above all else fears injury. The ego fears death. The ego is a pussy.

Although a wolf, I was too afraid to go deep into the woods. I was too afraid to let go. I was too afraid to die.

I must therefore go back. I must die before I can continue to live.

  • http://www.freedomtwentyfive.com/ Frost

    LSD is an effective treatment for alcoholism and drug addiction. Addicts frequently have a moment of clarity while tripping, in which they really SEE how much they’re hurting themselves and their family.

    Steve Jobs credits much of his creative output to mind-expanding experiments with psychedelics in his youth.

    But no, drugs are bad and they’ll destroy your brain, as the commercials say…

    • krautz05

      Drugs are tools, often dangerous tools. It’s like a band saw, use it wrong and you’ll cut off your hand. As for LSD, if your susceptible to Schizophrenia, it can be enough push you off into it.

      • Joel R

        Most definitely. I feel that ayahuasca saved my life, but it would also have destroyed it had I continued to do it regularly as I was for a while. Psychedelics are quite addictive. People say they aren’t, yet they continue to use them regularly (even if it is every few months, still, there is some void being filled, some wisdom lacking… google anatta).

  • A

    Is this from a book or something??

  • Vicomte

    I was with you in the beginning.

    If you’re interested in hallucination as a means to personal growth, I recommend the DTs.

  • Markus

    What a coincidence, I just got some DMT in my mailbox yesterday. I just need some MAOI now to make some Ayahuasca. I’m both excited and nervous as fuck. I love psychedelics, and honestly, they can be extremely useful for personal growth. They just rip away all of the bullshit that you surround yourself with and force you to see yourself for what you really are, good and bad.

    But someone who’s never taken them can’t understand. It’s like explaining colour to a blind man.


    Regarding psychedelics as a means for treating drug addiction, check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ibogaine

    Apparently it’s supposed to be able to cure addiction in a single session. Crazy stuff.

    • Princeps

      If you’ve got netflix, watch the movie “Facing the Habit,” which is about Ibogaine.

  • http://bronanthebarbarian.com Bronan the Barbarian!

    I always liked psychedelics, especially mushrooms. This stuff sounds interesting. If I ever change my personal prohibition on drug use, I’d give it a try.

  • raliv

    joe rogan raves about DMT

    never tried it but I highly recommend shrooms and lsd to the red pill taker

  • Claefus

    I had a bad experience with DMT about a year ago that put me off psychedellics forever. A friend offered me a J and neglected to tell me it was laced. I experienced total ego death, saw the end of the world, went to hell, and became the embodiment of suffering. It was easily the most horrific and traumatic experience of my life. Maybe if I had known, it would have been different, but it was enough to put me off using any kind of drugs for a long time.

    Great read, though.

    • http://dangerandplay.wordpress.com dangerandplay

      Damn bro. That is amazing and intense.

    • andrewmichaelmedina

      Because you didn’t know it was laced you freaked a bit and the DMT amplified that apprehension.

      Psychedelics act as amplifiers like that. BTW: Danger you should try a heroic dose of high quality salvia some time. Pretty interesting way to spend 30 minutes.

    • Calvin Taylor

      Same thing happened to me, only with what was supposively harmless weed. Needless to say that made me keep a far distance from any sort of drug for quite a while.

  • (R)evoluzione

    Good commentary on DMT, Danger.

    It’s a plant substance that I have enjoyed working with. In reality, DMT is everywhere, it’s present in many, many plants, even ones that we eat. Barley sprouts have a fair bit of DMT in them. But the substance is destroyed in the gut by MAO enzymes. That’s why you can smoke DMT for a better, quicker result. Ayahuasca lasts for many hours because of the addition of the MAOI, which also makes it active through oral injestion.

    Your experience of ego-death parallels my own. I have had similar, powerful experiences of ego death, and what I call a “story re-write” using salvia divinorum, a legal herb from the Yucatan peninsula.

    The key to having a good experience with all mind-expanding plants or substances is threefold:

    1: intention. This is why the commenter above had a poor experience–it’s impossible to formulate positive intention toward an experience if you don’t know it’s coming. Ideally you have some reason for wanting to explore consciousness. At the very least, the experience should be motivated by the desire to explore and expand, rather than as a way to escape. Escapism is weak.

    2: setting: For ideal results, explorers of consciousness should be in a safe, secure, and enjoyable setting, similar to the settings one would use for meditation. Just as one wouldn’t seek out meditation at a rock concert or in the middle of Times square, mind expanding plants are best used in a quiet, calm place. Out in nature works wonders , as well, in the proper context.

    3. set. Who you’re with. Experienced mind explores can imbibe these substances alone, but rookies are better off with a guide, or at least a sitter. My first few DMT experiences were greatly enhanced by an experienced guide. I’ve found salvia to be better alone.

    These states can be reached without the plant. Once you learn what it feels like, a person can get back to that state through concentrated meditation. These experiences are profound drivers of growth, and I think that most people need experiences like this as a part of rites of passage into adulthood. Lessons learned in the visionary state, as you alluded to, are like signposts or waypoints of light that help keep us on course, navigating through life with a better compass.

    • (R)evoluzione

      PS, I enjoyed Rick Strassman, MD’s book on DMT very much. He used it in a medical setting to help combat vets overcome PTSD. There’s a documentary film on the topic as well, but as in many cases, the book is far more detailed, and superior in my opinion, if you had to pick one.

  • http://gravatar.com/askediske askediske

    Also, check out the ocumentary “Other worlds” if further interested in the subject, it!s uploaded to youtube

  • Pingback: Linkage Is Good For You.6-24-12 | Society of Amateur Gentlemen()

  • Pingback: Introsphere roundup: June 13 – June 30 | The Second Estate()

  • supermagneticman

    psychedelics including dmt open the mind and close the heart. They are highly crystalline elements that over stimulate the brain completely leaving the heart powerless over your consciousness. Unless taken under the strict supervision of a veteran experienced Shaman you are letting Jinns, demons and negative reptilian energy to enter you. Illuminati and Bilderberg Group NWO elite promote and sell psychedelics for good reason. These elements turn you into cowards. Procrastinators and zombies. Into reptiles that sit there in fear and do nothing as the elite devour your young and Mother Earth that must sustain us. I am old school, been there done that so don t tell me no bullshit. Everyone I know over the years who got into psychedelics, the few still around are complete zombies and insecure cowards. Grow some and face reality fucktards. DMT is natural but you have no fucken idea what you are fucking with assclown god wannabes. good luck you fucked up stoned tripping reptiles.

  • supermagneticman

    a bunch of experts here playing God risking your very souls, you really know not what you do. You are decaying your souls 100 fold every time you ingest psychedelic. You will be stuck forever between your dead body and that real white light threshold, purgatory, I have been there. Natural fit comes from the pineal gland enmass and that is to get us through that threshold, weakened pineal gland no getting through and no getting back into your dead body. Not a good place, demons chasing you terrifying. never ending

  • supermagneticman

    I must go back lol stupid addict djinn demon elves own your soul. wake up dope is for dopes period use the natural dmt within you assclown ormus monoatomic gold. research science priests lol idiots. savants complete me