Why a Man Should Never Move In With a Woman

Guys lose in relationships because they don’t understand that two games are being played. The game being played after you bang a girl is different from the one being played before you get the girl. Guys also don’t understand that women play the game far better than men.

Most guys don’t know how to meet women. The smart ones learn game. After banging one or two, to one or two dozen, a guy finds a cool chick he calls his girlfriend. Then the player gets played.

Guys, you must realize something. Your girl will deny it to you. She will even deny it to herself. It is nevertheless true.

Your girlfriend wants you to marry her.

Although women are generally the ones with short time horizons, thus being unable to stick to a commitment, it’s men who fail to see the relationship’s big picture. If you ask the guy what the “end game” of a relationship is, he will say, “Um, spend time together, have fun, have lots of sex, maybe take some trips together.” That short-term thinking will kill you.

The girlfriend, for decades, has been planning a wedding. By virtue of becoming a man’s girlfriend, the girl has signaled that she wants to marry her boyfriend. Women often begin planning their weddings after a good first date.

Soon enough, you’re another marriage chump who wonders: “What the fuck just happened?”

Here’s how it happened: The woman’s end game is, “Stay at home mom with two children living in a nice neighborhood two cars with a nanny and house keeper to manage the home.” Not every girl can get that, but that’s what they all want. Who’s going to pay for all of that? Who is going to get into debt paying for homes, nannies, and college funds?

A woman’s every move is a calculated stop, to bring you closer to an early death.

Of course it all starts out simple and practical enough. First, she makes herself seem so awesome that you agree to monogamy. She makes herself so fun to be around, that you’re seeing her every day.

After several months, she says, “Why are we paying separate rents? It’s not logical. We should use the money we’d save on rent, by moving in together, and spent in on vacations and an Xbox.” You may not want to move in with her, but it seems innocuous enough. Plus, it does seem logical.

You don’t understand what’s going on.

During normal decision-making, anchoring occurs when individuals overly rely on a specific piece of information to govern their thought-process. Once the anchor is set, there is a bias toward adjusting or interpreting other information to reflect the “anchored” information.

Going from, “Guy with a cool girlfriend” to “slave to job because wife and two children must be supported” is an extreme move. In fact, I’d wager that none of you reading this blog would make that move. You wouldn’t make that move because it’s too far from your current anchor.

As you make each move, your anchor changes. “Married with children” is still far from “cohabitation,” but remains much closer than “guy who can tell his girlfriend to get fucked when she throws a fit at his crib.”

To avoid losing the game, recognize the game she is playing. It has steps. You must delay each step from being taken.

Monogamous relationship —> “serious relationship” —> Meet parents —> Move in together —> “Make me an honest woman” —> “We need to share a symbol of our love”/”Ooops, I forgot to take my pill” —> … —> Debt Hell.

The single best way to avoid marriage hell is to avoid the traps. Never move in with her.

  • http://theprivateman.wordpress.com theprivateman

    The only time women think in a linear fashion is when they think about their relationship goals.

  • http://flyfreshandyoung.wordpress.com flyfreshandyoung

    “Monogamous relationship —> “serious relationship” —> Meet parents —> Move in together —> “Make me an honest woman” —> “We need to share a symbol of our love”/”Ooops, I forgot to take my pill” —> … —> Debt Hell.”

    The worst part about it, as she keeps pushing more and more for you to become a provider, the feelings she has for you fade away, much like… your balls.

    • http://dangerandplay.wordpress.com dangerandplay

      Guys overstate that.

      My ex-wife was madly in love with me after even 10 years of being together.

      Guys who talk about wives losing interest aren’t alpha.

      I’ll put it like this. If the guys who post nasty comments at The Spearhead had to upload a full body pic, it’d become clear why their women lost interest.

      • http://counterflowdesign.wordpress.com Rollo Tomassi

        Amen.

      • http://flyfreshandyoung.wordpress.com flyfreshandyoung

        True- I was being a tad over the top. But, moving anchors does change things and I suppose I for one, probably like a lot of young guns, are just not at a point where any change in anchoring is welcome.

  • dc1000

    It feels like you wrote this just for me, even though I’ve heard you talk about this before. I’m in a bit of a pickle and I fucking did it to myself.

    10 years of marriage. Divorce. Two years of dating, gaming and having a fucking blast. Great apt downtown. Money. Health and fitness. Sometimes 5 different girls in my bed each week.

    Then I met a super hot, super freak, super smart bitch that took away all my impulses to bang other chicks.

    We start spending all of our time together. Then we go exclusive, which was easy enough, because literally there is no other pussy i see out there that I want to fuck.

    Well then…just as you predicted…we move in together.

    I figured, what the hell, she’s going to pay me $18,000 per year to see if this shit could work – what could be bad about that?

    Through all of this I get drunk with the idea of an idealized potential of a second family. See, I got two kids already and a baby momma I gotta pay each month. But this new broad? She had me hook line and sinker…we picked out their fucking names and everything…for the new kids.

    Then after a while she gets shifty and says she doesn’t want to have kids with me anymore. WHAT? You got me all drunk on the idea? I was already falling in love with the unborn children. I moved you in to my apartment because we were on our way to babies (maybe not marriage as she gets it)..and now you don’t want them anymore?

    FINE FUCK YOU.

    Well guess what..predictably…6 or 8 weeks later she wants kids again…and now I don’t. I have gone back to what I thought before which was game til death, I got my two kids, fuck anymore of them and fuck all these bitches.

    But the problem is – she’s living in my fucking house now.

    I’m starting to wonder if it makes any sense at all to even keep seeing her.

    I even want to fuck her less and less.

    Honestly, the hottest girl i’ve ever fucked…and she’s a verified in demand hottie..and I don’t want to fuck her anymore.

    I fell into the trap..she lured me in…I was drunk with the idea…lost in emotions…

    but time after time after time she has proven herself to be just like the rest of them.

    she may be in the top percentiles…but a woman nevertheless…

    anyhow…thought this was a timely blog post for me and I’d fucking vent.

    • http://dangerandplay.wordpress.com dangerandplay

      Of course I wrote it for you, bro.

      I often think of specific people when I write posts. This way, I’m able to “talk” to my friends sotto voce while also addressing topics of general interest.

      It’s like “Dear Abby,” but for players.

  • dc1000

    hahah well then…my narcissistic self centered view of the world was in fact justified for a moment there

    ive toyed with a few options including just breaking up (no fun), prolonging til she breaks up (could be fun for a while but then no fun), or trying to push things as far as I can and seeing where i get…

    like, cheating and maybe getting caught..or not…or pushing more of an open relationship for me (not her)…or I dont know what

    truth is, and this i really dont think is one-itis…she is pretty much the hottest chick around (and I look every single moment of every single day), she fucks me just the way i want, she has her own job and money, she asks nothing of me other than dick and love (well, erm, except for that kid thing) and she can cook.

    i’m really only going to swap her out for different, not much better

    is that shit worth it?

    she’s told me she is willing to stay with me even if we dont have kids, but i dont believe her..she’ll keep working on me with it or eventually leave on her own accord.

    all i know is that i wish i could take a couple of nights off…which i can’t. except of course, if she goes on this business trip in a couple of weeks…

    so..what to do when you know she’s about as good as they come (25 years old on top of it all)…..and trading “up” isn’t really an option…?

    • http://dangerandplay.wordpress.com dangerandplay

      You – as well as one of my closets friends – are being undone by your narcissism.

      Your narcissism says, “I can only have this girl, because a man like me is the kind of man who would only have a woman of this caliber.” Thus, unless some girl meets an idealized standard, you can’t even achieve erection.

      I read this book, Narcissism: Denial of the True Self, and it helped me a lot. Don’t let the faggy flower on the cover keep you from buying it.

      Essentially, the book shows you how your narcissism is actually frustrating your goals of living a full life. You are allowing external social constructs define you. Thus, you lack an internal, pleasure-seeking self. Narcissism thus interferes with hedonism.

      The irony of narcissism is that narcissists are most focused on what others think. Narcissists, while obsessing over themselves, ultimately are enslaved by others. It seems like a paradox, but the book explains it nicely.

      • samseau

        D&P is right. You want her more to show off to others than to please yourself.

        Think rationally:

        -you do not want more kids.
        -you do not think she’s wife material.
        -she lives w/you.

        Here’s what I would do:

        – cheat nonstop.
        – if you get caught, blame her for your cheating and say she “broke the spell when she told you she didn’t want kids”, forcing you to seek attention elsewhere. When she says “I want kids with you,”

      • samseau

        - reply to her that “you don’t think you can go back to how you felt before, but you’ll try.”
        – Since she’ll be watching you like a hawk, the next best step is to push for threesomes by going out with her and trying to pick up girls in her prescence.
        – if she gets angry and threatens to walk, let her walk.
        – enjoy the freedom.

  • http://counterflowdesign.wordpress.com Rollo Tomassi

    Iron Rule of Tomassi #4
    NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren’t married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

    You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I’m adamantly opposed to the “shacking up” dynamic, it is a trap that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor against this isn’t based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of anonymity, you commit to, legally, being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

    I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial commitment) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire. The single most common complaint related to me in regards to how to reignite a woman’s desire comes as the result of the guy having moved into a living arrangement with his LTR. All of that competitive anxiety and it’s resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it’s just your name) is akin to signing an insurance policy for her –

    “I the undersigned promise not to fuck any woman but this girl for a one year term.”

    She thinks, “if he wasn’t serious about me, he wouldn’t have signed the lease.” Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she’s got it in writing that it is for at least a year.

    Just don’t do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm’s distance.

    http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/shacking-up/

    • dc1000

      rollo- i love your blog and read it daily along with this one and heartiste.

      lucky for me, she’s the one still begging me for sex daily, while i’m the one who’s attention is fading.

      in this case, your advice is well taken, just too late and for different reasons.

    • dc1000

      PS: See D&P’s post above that you “Amen’ed”

    • Sarah

      This is so, so, true. And I’m a girl.
      But I avoid living with my boyfriends nowadays, because I have noticed the same tendency in myself — I don’t want to fuck them anymore,a nd the whole relationship becomes about all the energy-sapping ‘married’ stuff … even if you never intended to marry the guy.

  • http://xsplat.wordpress.com/ xsplat

    I dissent. With the right skill set and lifestyle setup, a man can get near unlimited hand over his woman in a live in relationship, and maintain and even deepen attraction every day.

  • http://gravatar.com/amitginni amitginni

    Very nice blog and I agree and men in general let themselves get manipulated and tricked because the are lazy.

  • pierre

    This is accurate .

  • Ginger

    THIS IS CIERTO-TRUE! I am also a female and I agree on both sides. I have a boyfriend of 5 yrs, I own my own home and he has his apt. we are both divorced with kids. I let myself get reeled in to where I FEEL the remarrying itch and I do bring it up but when he leaves REALITY KICKS IN to where I don’t want that. He doesn’t want it and says one day it would be nice. I’m 45 and he’s 51. I stand back and look at the big picture- I see it will never happen and we kind of hide the fact that neither of us want it for some strange reason (maybe to keep the game going and interesting???) who knows. Our sex is dropping dramatically on his end. I even asked if he wants to see others and it’s cool with me…he says no. I say to not waste time life is short. overall the separate lives seems boring now as we get older and lonely since the excitement is getting played too. Not too many older people left out here that are single either in a separate living or together living arrangement…so don’t play for too long or you’ll end up like us….

  • Ginger

    I think women let themselves get reeled in as much as men do. If she wants to marry or hitch with a dude it’s because of what he brings to the table or bed and visa versa with ment. Which is fine but putting up the ‘hell no barrier’ is fun as first and can last for years until the rest of the world passes by like fish on hooks and you find yourself by yourself. So if you meet that special someone – don’t let some dumb ass tell you to put that barrier up. hold your pole and don’t let that fish get away.