How to Cheat on Your Girlfriend

Remember the first rule of Cheater’s Club. First, you must burn something into your brain. The first rule of Cheater’s Club is not to get caught. When you’re in a tight situation or are unsure of what to do, ask yourself, “Will this get me caught?” If so, don’t do it.

Next, the logistics.

Lock down the phone. A phone is to a player what a light saber is to a Jedi. You gotta keep it locked up. Password protect it. When dating a girl, draw boundaries early on. Your phone is your business.

What happens when you’re in the bathroom showering, and your phone alerts you to a new text message? If you have an iPhone, it will show you have a new message from Firstname Lastname. Here’s to to handle this.

Let’s say you have a friend named Mark. In your cell phone, have one entry for Mark. That’s the baseline entry. Then enter “Mark Work” and “Mark Cell.” Those are your two hoes. If your chick sees a text or incoming call from “Mark Work,” she’ll figure it’s your friend, Mark, calling.

You now have two different phone numbers for every guy friend you have. Do note, though, that the “Mark Work” entry will only apply to friends who work long hours. If Mark is a slacker or unemployed friend, your girl is going to wonder why he’d be calling from the office.

Here is how one woman’s iPhone got her busted for cheating.

Get a Google Voice account. Create a fake gmail address that you only use for cheating. Then set up a Google Voice account. With Google Voice, go into your settings. Disable all push notifications. This way, your cell phone won’t be blowing up every time a ho hits you up on voice. Now here’s a pro tip.

To activate Google voice, you need a cell phone number. If you want to create more than one Google voice account, buy a burner cell phone. Then create another email address, and another voice account through the burner cell phone. You can now have as many numbers as you want. If you play the game hard, your numbers can get hot, and I change my # every year.

Create an alias. Give your average 20-something girl your name and the college you graduated from and boom, she’s found your profile on Linkedin.

Thus, you need an alternate identity. I tell girls that my name is Mark, and that I’m an HR consultant. “I’m the guy companies hire to fire people.” It’s a psycho sounding job, and gives me a chance to sound evil. Plus, it prevents a girl from cyberstalking me.

Creating an alias is also exciting and tightens your game. I now make shit up all the time, for the rush of running from the law. “Will she bust me out in front of all of her friends?” Even when single, I lie about my name, age, education, and background. If you become able to convince people you are telling the truth when you are lying, you can convince them of anything.

Never fuck her at your crib. Roosh has solid tips for going CSI on your apartment. I’m not a detail person, so there’s no way a stray hair or ear ring won’t show up. Plus, if a woman sees me with my girlfriend, she might jock me. I’ll deny knowing her, and that’ll work until the girl describes the furniture arrangement of the crib.

If you can’t bang at her crib, get a hotel. Frame it like this, “When’s the last time you did something really crazy, like go to a hotel and order room service…for no reason?”

Chances are, she has never done it. She will be excited. Turn her out at the hotel. Be sure to request a room with a lot of mirrors.

Join a gym that’s open late. Women are always hugging you and smelling your neck to sniff out other women. You can’t shower after banging strange, because your girlfriend will want to know why you smell so clean. Thus, you need a gym.

Let’s say I wanna bang some strange at 10 p.m. I “leave for the gym” directly from work, bang the strange, shower at the gym. Thus, I have an alibi for 2-3 hours, and a reason for smelling fresh and clean.

24 Hour Fitness sells 2-year memberships at Costco for $319. That’s only $13 a month.

Always call your girl, “Babe.” My girlfriend is Jennifer and my side piece is Candi. How do I keep them straight? Simple. They are both, “Babe,” to me.

Never meet your girlfriend’s friends. Girls are haters, and when they see you finger-banging some chick on the dance floor, they will tell your girlfriend. You don’t want spies out there, so never meet your girlfriend’s friends.

Date outside of industries. It’s a small world. There are over a million lawyers, but if your girlfriend is a lawyer, she probably knows your lawyer-mistress. Never date girls who world in the same field.

If you keep your identity secret, bang outside of your crib, lock the phone down, and date outside of your industry, you’ll almost never get caught cheating.

Of course, cheater’s always risk getting caught. If there were no risk, cheating would be boring.

  • MrSmith

    Google Voice is the shit! I combine it with sbCalc for my iPhone and that shit is TIGHT without locking down the phone! :)

  • samseau

    Here’s another tip.

    My handcent messaging app has a “privacy mode” option. When activated, text messages are only given alerts without any names or message info. You have to unlock the phone to read the details.

    The gym move is amazing though. Wow, seriously good idea.

  • J Holden

    You could shower anyway after banging strange and just say you worked out in the garage or did an px90 workout. My girls all know that I work out every day at different times. They see my px90 equipment, my jump-rope, my treadmill, my ab-board, etc.. Just make it known to your girl that you workout frequently. Thus you can always get away with “I just did my jump-rope workout and showered”. I never have a problem with that one.

  • D

    Instead of this you could try an open relationship…I can’t imagine it’s any more work than creating a fake identity??? wow.

    • http://dangerandplay.wordpress.com dangerandplay

      Not as fun. Or can’t you read. Play isn’t enough. Danger is needed, too.

      • Katzentier

        How is this dangerous? Aren’t girls disposable to you anyway, since you always can just find another one? So what do you actually risk?The only one in danger seems to be your girlfriend, since you might bring her an STD as a gift from your “adventures”, which she has no knowledge of. And she’s the only one at risk of being emotionally hurt too.

        Why do you hate her so much?
        Why would anyone want to be such a prick?

      • Katzentier

        So instead of editing Kirbywarp and the like, maybe you would care to give me an answer? What risk do you actually take?

  • cockfuck

    Going to all this work just to cheat on someone sure takes a lot of time and effort. I have an actual life and more important things to do than this.Here is a thought ….how about not being in a relationship at all! what’s the point in getting into one if it comes down to this. Guys you can screw whoever you want and don’t have to worry about getting caught if you don’t get into one in the first place.

  • kirbywarp

    Is anyone else getting an “American Psycho” vibe here? You know, all the mirrors, the compulsive lying… I wonder if Dangerandplay likes classical music?

    I’ll confess jealousy. I can’t see my dick past my fat rolls, my acne cysts ooze puss, and my hairline has receded. I hide from mirrors.

    • kirbywarp

      Cum on my man boobz.

      • kirbywarp

        I keep F5′ing this page. It’s the best blog ever! Do you regularly update your blog, or are your posts intermittent?

        [Thanks. Posts usually appear at 9 a.m. EST. I'd like to do M-F, but am often too busy. There are always 3 posts each week, so it's worth stopping by each a.m.]

      • kirbywarp

        The best blog ever is probably Pharyngula, but only ugly chicks like Rebecca Watson hang out there.

        When I tried hitting on Watson, it made the blogs!

        Can you believe it? All I wanted to do was have coffee and discuss our mutual affection for Richard Dawkins’ magic rainbow. She turned me into a would-be rapist and creepy guy.

        I still suffer from a lot of cognitive dissonance. I know women don’t go for nice, respectful guys – or at least attractive women don’t. Yet I’ve been conditioned all of my life to hate men like you. I’m like B.F. Skinner’s rat.

        Or, as we nerds like to say, I’m a sad panda.

        [I hear ya, man. It takes a while to break free. BTW, here's a good take on the Watson incident. http://www.inmalafide.com/blog/2011/07/11/rebecca-watson-is-a-silly-twit-introducing-the-skeptical-girl-meme/ ]

  • mister

    If you have an android phone, the application “my calculator” is priceless. You can hide all incoming texts and phone calls from select people. And its free.

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  • http://bronanthebarbarian.wordpress.com Bronan the Barbarian!

    The gym move is solid.

    Along the lines of the “Babe” line, I’ve taken to establishing the same inside jokes with all the chicks that I bang. I have a piss-poor memory for what I’ve said to whom, so this method eliminates the possibility of me fucking up and saying something I shouldn’t have to the wrong girl.

  • http://www.flagebuzz.com John

    There is an innovative service available: http://www.flagebuzz.com
    It sends out camouflaged email alerts to your primary inbox and your wife will never be able to identify the sender or the content. I use this to keep my affair a secret :)

  • Hansen

    The American Psycho complex exists. I went from faithful bf of 3+ years to juggling 3 flings at the same time. The thrill makes me boil with excitement and wit.

    If it’s a matter of “too much trouble” to you, then you may as well not face any challenge in life. Trouble is exactly what I, and others like me, seek.

    • gabbchez

      Its because our culture has been brainwashed by religion into thinking its a sin to only have one partner. (sexually) i wonder isnt it a bit odd and unatural for men to only have one partner? Guys “cheat” because they can. Point blank. Its not a bad thing. Not always. just know who u r sleeping with and use protection. A.d watch out some girls r good playing private eye

    • kurt

      3 flings! Those are some mad skills man. Do you live with your gf?
      When me and my gf were not living together I found it relatively easy to cheat. When we eventually moved in together I almost got caught and cut it off with the other woman.I guess being prepared is key. When my gf sat me down for the Q&A session I was almost about to start babbling,denying, and stuttering even though I had no idea what led her to know I was even cheating on her.I decided to stand my ground and find out what she knew. I thought it was my open email account, in which case my infidelity would be out in the open….it wasn’t!What she saw had nothing to do with the girl I was fucking and I easily explained it away. If i wouldnt have questioned her, it would have been game over. Women know how to work men and I guess she was trying to get me to cough information up….proably because she was suspicious for some reason. Women are skilled at sniffing stuff out ,especially ones who’ve been cheated on in past relationships!

  • Steve Jones

    Great post, I also cheat on a LOT of women. I’ve gotten pretty good at not getting caught myself too. I do it for the excitement, most relationships bore me so quickly. http://www.howtocheatonyourgirlfriend.com/ is my site where I give my own advice on how to get away with it.

  • kayla

    my man cheat on me we have a baby now I have my baby 3 week so sad I have him

  • kayla

    my man Jason brown