How to Cheat on Your Girlfriend

Remember the first rule of Cheater’s Club. First, you must burn something into your brain. The first rule of Cheater’s Club is not to get caught. When you’re in a tight situation or are unsure of what to do, ask yourself, “Will this get me caught?” If so, don’t do it.

Next, the logistics.

Lock down the phone. A phone is to a player what a light saber is to a Jedi. You gotta keep it locked up. Password protect it. When dating a girl, draw boundaries early on. Your phone is your business.

What happens when you’re in the bathroom showering, and your phone alerts you to a new text message? If you have an iPhone, it will show you have a new message from Firstname Lastname. Here’s to to handle this.

Let’s say you have a friend named Mark. In your cell phone, have one entry for Mark. That’s the baseline entry. Then enter “Mark Work” and “Mark Cell.” Those are your two hoes. If your chick sees a text or incoming call from “Mark Work,” she’ll figure it’s your friend, Mark, calling.

You now have two different phone numbers for every guy friend you have. Do note, though, that the “Mark Work” entry will only apply to friends who work long hours. If Mark is a slacker or unemployed friend, your girl is going to wonder why he’d be calling from the office.

Here is how one woman’s iPhone got her busted for cheating.

Get a Google Voice account. Create a fake gmail address that you only use for cheating. Then set up a Google Voice account. With Google Voice, go into your settings. Disable all push notifications. This way, your cell phone won’t be blowing up every time a ho hits you up on voice. Now here’s a pro tip.

To activate Google voice, you need a cell phone number. If you want to create more than one Google voice account, buy a burner cell phone. Then create another email address, and another voice account through the burner cell phone. You can now have as many numbers as you want. If you play the game hard, your numbers can get hot, and I change my # every year.

Create an alias. Give your average 20-something girl your name and the college you graduated from and boom, she’s found your profile on Linkedin.

Thus, you need an alternate identity. I tell girls that my name is Mark, and that I’m an HR consultant. “I’m the guy companies hire to fire people.” It’s a psycho sounding job, and gives me a chance to sound evil. Plus, it prevents a girl from cyberstalking me.

Creating an alias is also exciting and tightens your game. I now make shit up all the time, for the rush of running from the law. “Will she bust me out in front of all of her friends?” Even when single, I lie about my name, age, education, and background. If you become able to convince people you are telling the truth when you are lying, you can convince them of anything.

Never fuck her at your crib. Roosh has solid tips for going CSI on your apartment. I’m not a detail person, so there’s no way a stray hair or ear ring won’t show up. Plus, if a woman sees me with my girlfriend, she might jock me. I’ll deny knowing her, and that’ll work until the girl describes the furniture arrangement of the crib.

If you can’t bang at her crib, get a hotel. Frame it like this, “When’s the last time you did something really crazy, like go to a hotel and order room service…for no reason?”

Chances are, she has never done it. She will be excited. Turn her out at the hotel. Be sure to request a room with a lot of mirrors.

Join a gym that’s open late. Women are always hugging you and smelling your neck to sniff out other women. You can’t shower after banging strange, because your girlfriend will want to know why you smell so clean. Thus, you need a gym.

Let’s say I wanna bang some strange at 10 p.m. I “leave for the gym” directly from work, bang the strange, shower at the gym. Thus, I have an alibi for 2-3 hours, and a reason for smelling fresh and clean.

24 Hour Fitness sells 2-year memberships at Costco for $319. That’s only $13 a month.

Always call your girl, “Babe.” My girlfriend is Jennifer and my side piece is Candi. How do I keep them straight? Simple. They are both, “Babe,” to me.

Never meet your girlfriend’s friends. Girls are haters, and when they see you finger-banging some chick on the dance floor, they will tell your girlfriend. You don’t want spies out there, so never meet your girlfriend’s friends.

Date outside of industries. It’s a small world. There are over a million lawyers, but if your girlfriend is a lawyer, she probably knows your lawyer-mistress. Never date girls who world in the same field.

If you keep your identity secret, bang outside of your crib, lock the phone down, and date outside of your industry, you’ll almost never get caught cheating.

Of course, cheater’s always risk getting caught. If there were no risk, cheating would be boring.